


You Like Being Lonely (Not Really)

by givebackmylifecas



Series: Quote Inspirations [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cas is lonely, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 09:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10186694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Cas doesn’t mind being alone, honestly he doesn’t.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for vague mention of self-harm, fairly obvious symptoms of depression
> 
> Inspired by this quote by lydiaasl: “You’re saying that you like being lonely, but you know that deep down you’re still waiting for someone to fix all your broken pieces.”

Cas doesn’t mind being alone, honestly he doesn’t. If he thinks about it he isn’t really alone, he has Charlie, even though she is more Dean’s friend than his. But he does have Dean. Dean, who he met in his first year of college while he was browsing in the library. Dean who would invite him out to do fun things with him and his friends and who understood when sometimes Cas couldn’t face the crowds and just needed to spend time at the beach, with only the waves for company. Dean who noticed when Cas had to wear long-sleeved shirts while he waited for the cuts to heal, who hid his scissors from him and begged him to talk to someone. Dean who stayed up late with him, telling him about his father and how he never could live up to his expectations, and who listened on the rare occasions when Cas talked about the father he had never met and the mother who wanted nothing to do with him.

Dean who Cas hadn’t seen in six days, because he had a new girlfriend and needed to spend time with her. Dean, who Cas is hopelessly, irrevocably in love with and therefore can’t spend time with anymore.

But Castiel didn’t mind being alone, it gave him time to catch up on his work, time to see the therapist Dean had forced him to go to, time to clean his dorm room and time to read the books he’d read a thousand times before. It gave him time to take too many of his anti-anxiety pills until he didn’t feel anything on the inside anymore and go to bars full of men with dark smiles because he needed someone, anyone to touch him, just needed some kind of human contact – because without Dean, he realises, he has no one.

But eventually he didn’t have time for any of that, because he needed to sleep. He would spend all day in bed and when his phone vibrated with texts from Dean, he would curse his heart which thumped too quickly in his chest and answer that yes, he was fine, and no, he was too busy with his coursework to come and hang out with Dean and Lisa.

Dean may have taken his scissors, but he still had a razor even though he hadn’t shaved in weeks, so he started wearing long-sleeved shirts again when he couldn’t avoid going to classes anymore.

And he learned to keep the lights in his room off, because people – Dean – would see it shining under the door and tell him they knew he was in there and beg him to let them in. But eventually, the texts and the visits stopped, and Cas convinced himself that this was how he was supposed to be - alone.

 

He was walking back from one of his early morning lectures – the ones he has changed to, because Dean doesn’t like opening his eyes before ten and it is easier to avoid him – when a hand grabs his arm and he nearly screams, because it has been so long since someone touched him and he doesn’t remember if this is a bad touch or a good touch, but he does know that this is one that is achingly familiar. He shrugs it off and tries to run, keeping his head down, but his vision is blurry and he can’t remember the last time he ate and has the ground always been this uneven? Suddenly his world is tilting and he finds himself on the ground, still scrambling to get away from that touch that has followed him from the lecture theatre. There are hands gripping his wrists, stopping him from getting away and he struggles harder, but he can’t open his eyes.

“Cas! Cas, buddy, please stop fighting me!”, Dean’s voice begs him and he goes limp, because he knows from experience it hurts less if you don’t fight back.

The hands release his wrists, but one of them is cupping his jaw, and a thumb is lightly rubbing along his cheekbone. He can’t help but lean into the touch, because it’s been so, so long and even if this is all he’s going to get, he needs this, just for a moment.

He can hear Dean breathing. He is so close to him, but he can’t bear to open his eyes, because if he does, that will make this real and it will make it so much harder when Dean leaves him again to be with Lisa.

“Cas, please.”, Dean whispers. “Please open your eyes. Look at me, Cas.” And because he could never deny Dean anything, Cas does, blinking in the morning light, trying not to look at the green eyes staring back at him. He tries to turn his head, but Dean’s hands are still on his face and they won’t let go.

“There you are. Cas, where have you been? I was so worried about you.”, Dean tells him, but Cas doesn’t answer, still trying to avoid looking at Dean without closing his eyes. “Cas, please talk to me. Why have you been avoiding me?”

“Please. Please, don’t say my name like that.”, Cas says, his voice his even deeper than usual, hoarse from disuse.

“Like what?”, Dean asks, but he seems glad to have elicited any sort of reaction at all from Cas.

“Like it means something, like you care.”, Cas says and finally succeeds in pulling his face out of Dean’s hands. He carefully pushes himself to his feet, while Dean scrambles to follow suit, and begins to walk away. Dean runs after him, catching up quickly.

“I do care.”

“You shouldn’t. You should be with Lisa and I should be alone, so please leave me, Dean.”

This time, Dean grabs him by the shoulders, forcing him to stop walking.

“Please, Cas. Please wait. I can’t be with Lisa. I broke up with her.” Dean ducks his head, forcing Cas to look at his earnest green eyes.

“You – What?”, Cas asks, trying to understand what Dean just said.

“I didn’t want to be with her. I want – I want to be with you. I realised some things while I was with Lisa and one of those, was that I – I love you, Cas.” Dean looks almost frightened as he speaks, as if Cas could hurt him. Which is ridiculous, because Cas is the one who gets hurt, not the other way around.

It’s as if all the air has vanished from the atmosphere, because Cas is taking deep, heaving breaths but he still can’t seem to breathe and Dean has his arms wrapped around him and together they are slowly sinking to the ground.

“You can’t”, Cas gaps. “You can’t, because no one has ever – No one can – I’m not worth it - I've just been alone for so long - I don't know how – You can’t love me, Dean.”

He feels himself being moved so that he is sitting almost fully on Dean’s lap, in the middle of the campus and Dean is pressing kisses into his hair and whispering the same thing over and over again. “But I do love you Cas, I do.” His breathless gasps give way to heart-wrenching, heaving sobs that he releases into Dean’s chest and Dean is still holding him and promising not to let go and Cas doesn’t know what to do. Because no one has ever loved him. No one has ever said it, not his mother, not the one friend he had in high school, no one. And he convinced himself that it was because he liked being alone and because he didn’t love anyone and somehow, he survived like that. But then along came Dean Winchester and that all came crashing down around him.

“I’m sorry Cas.” Dean presses the apologies into his skin, and he feels like he’s on fire after being so alone for so long. “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner and I’m sorry for waiting until now to find you. I’m so sorry.”

Eventually Cas stills, his eyes dry, his hands still clutching Dean and he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to let go again. He can’t go back to the dark, loneliness anymore, not after this morning of sunlight and warmth and release that Dean has just given him.

Slowly, Dean gets to his feet, his arms still wrapped around Cas. “Do you want to go to your room?”, he asks Cas, who nods against his chest and they slowly make the journey to Cas’ tiny dorm room.

When they get there, Dean guides Cas into bed, wrapping himself around him and together they fall into an exhausted slumber.

When Cas wakes up, he almost expects Dean to be gone, but there he is, arms still wrapped around Cas, fingers slowly rubbing circles into Cas’ back.

“You’re still here.”, Cas murmurs and Dean smiles gently.

“Of course, Cas, I’m never leaving you alone again.”

And when Dean leans forward and gently presses his warm lips to Cas’ long neglected ones, Cas thinks that he might not have to get used to being alone after all.

**Author's Note:**

> So this turned out being really sad again, sorry. Maybe when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'll be able to write a happy, fluffy Destiel fic, but oh well. Drop me a comment or a kudos if you liked it.  
> Also, it's 2am here and I'm super tired so if you find any mistakes, please let me know.


End file.
